How to Talk to the Children and Teenagers in Your Life about Death

Thank you for being an adult who wants to help children learn to navigate our challenging times and emerge as resilient, communicative, and compassionate adults.  The world needs more communicators and compassion-givers. Perhaps if we work on these learned skills together, one day we will no longer need articles like this one.

When Someone Loved Dies

Adults grieve. So do children. As an adult or child, experiencing grief means to “feel,” not just to “understand.” Anyone old enough to love is old enough to grieve. Even before children are able to talk, they grieve when someone they love dies. And these feelings about death become a part of their lives forever.

Caring adults, whether parents, relatives or friends, can help children during this time. If adults are open, honest and loving, experiencing the loss of someone loved can be a chance for children to learn about both the joy and the pain that comes from caring deeply for other people.

How can I help my child?

When someone in the family or a close friend dies, it affects everyone and it is vital to support children during such a difficult time. Children can also feel bereaved and experience grief when someone close to them goes away permanently or is absent for a long period of time. The death of a much-loved pet can be every bit as devastating to a child.

A child’s reactions depend on several factors:

• How close the person was to the child and how involved the person was in their life, or what they meant to them

• Whether the death was sudden, or expected

• The circumstances of the death

• How the rest of the family deal with the death; religion and culture will have an important influence

• What practical support is available to the family

How children of different ages understand death

Infants can feel loss that affects the way they are looked after and their daily routines; they are sensitive to unhappy feelings around them. They might become anxious, fretful and needy.

Pre-schoolers usually see death as temporary and reversible, influenced in this belief by cartoon characters that ‘die’ and ‘come to life again’.

From age five, children understand the basic facts: death happens to all living things, has a cause, and is permanent separation. They can understand that dead people do not see, hear, speak or feel and they do not need to eat and drink.

Young children believe that they cause what happens around them and therefore can feel responsible for the death, e.g. by being naughty

Teenagers understand death more like adults; they are aware of others’ feelings but can often find it difficult to put their feelings into words. They may not show their feelings in case they upset others.

Siblings may react very differently to loss.  Where one sibling might be immediately and obviously grief-stricken, another may not show any signs of stress or grief for some time afterwards and find it difficult to come to terms with their loss.

Trauma and mental health

Children and young people respond in varying ways to trauma, such as bereavement. Nearly all will experience and express some level of distress. This can lead to changes in behaviour as they try to cope with their feelings. These changes might include: separation anxiety (especially in young children), sleep disturbance, nightmares, deep sadness, loneliness, developing new fears, losing interest in normal activities, reduced concentration and achievement at school, anger, irritability and physical complaints. The death of a parent, close family member, a friend, teacher or much-loved pet can have devastating and long lasting implications. It is difficult for family members to be brave for others in their family, while they are also grieving. Professional help can be so important in supporting families.

Expected bereavement

When a family member knows they are going to die, a child’s stress levels are likely to be higher because of fear of the unknown. Pre-bereavement counselling can give a child extra support with thinking and talking about their feelings and sharing their worries.

Sudden or unexpected death

When a death is sudden or unexpected, children can show strong shock symptoms in emotional and physical ways. They may refuse to believe it, scream, shake, stop talking, moving, eating or drinking; they may have tummy aches, headaches, pains, dizziness, nightmares or long sleeps. 

Extreme reactions are normal and the most important thing that family and friends can do is to provide support and safety.

In the first hours, days and weeks, a suddenly bereaved young person in shock needs those around them to:

• Love, hold and reassure them
• Make sure they are safe from harm e.g. crossing roads without concentrating
• Make sure they eat and drink, keep clean and warm, keep some kind of bedtime routine
• Make sure their responsibilities are covered, e.g. feeding pets
• Tell everyone who needs to know, e.g. school
• Include them in what’s happening and help them to talk and try to make sense of what has happened

Talking About Death to Children

Adults sometimes have trouble facing death themselves. So open, honest discussions about death with children can be difficult. Yet adults who are able to confront, explore and learn from their own personal fears about death can help children when someone loved dies. As a result, children can form “a healthy attitude toward both life and death”.

When a death occurs, children need to be surrounded by feelings of warmth, acceptance and understanding. Caring adults can provide this support.

A Caring Adult’s Role

How adults respond when someone loved dies has a major effect on the way children react to the death. Sometimes, adults don’t want to talk about the death, assuming that by doing so children will be spared some of the pain and sadness.

However, the reality is very simple: children will grieve, anyway.

Adults who are willing to talk openly about death help children understand that grief is a natural feeling when someone they love has died. Children need adults to confirm that it’s all right to be sad and to cry, and that the hurt they feel now won’t last forever.

When ignored, children may suffer more from feeling isolated than from the actual death itself. Worse yet, they feel all alone in their grief.

Encourage Questions About Death

When someone they love has died, adults need to be open, honest and loving. Patiently, they need to answer questions about the death in language children can understand.

Adults shouldn’t worry about having all the answers. The answers aren’t as important as the fact that they’re responding to the questions in a way that shows they care.

Children may repeat the same questions about death again and again. It’s natural. Repeating questions and getting answers helps them understand and adjust to the loss of someone loved.

Establish a Helping Relationship

Respond to children with sensitivity and warmth. Be aware of voice tone; maintain eye contact when talking about the death. What is communicated without words can be just as meaningful to children as what is actually said.

Let children know that their feelings will be accepted. Although some of their behaviour may seem inappropriate, adults need to understand children during this stressful time, not judge their behaviour or criticize.

Children need to know that adults want to understand their point of view. This commitment tells a child, “You’re worthwhile; your feelings will be respected.”

Sharing Religious Beliefs with a Child

Adults often wonder if they should share with children their religious beliefs regarding death. This is a complex issue; no simple guidelines are available.

Keep in mind that adults can only share with children those concepts they truly believe. Any religious explanations about death must also be described in concrete terms; children have difficulty understanding abstractions. 

Allow Children to Participate

Create an atmosphere that tells children that their thoughts, fears and wishes will be recognized when someone loved dies. This recognition includes the right to be part of planning the arrangements for the funeral.

Although children may not completely understand the ceremony surrounding the death, being involved in the planning of the funeral helps establish a sense of comfort and the understanding that life goes on even though someone loved has died.

Since the funeral of someone loved is a significant event, children should have the same opportunity to attend as any other member of the family. That’s “allowed” to attend, but not “forced.” Explain the purpose of the funeral: as a time to honour the person who has died; as a time to help, comfort and support each other and as a time to affirm that life goes on.

Viewing the body of someone loved who has died can also be a positive experience. It provides an opportunity to say “goodbye” and helps children accept the reality of death. As with attending the funeral, however, seeing the body should not be forced.

Growing Through Grief

Grief is complex. It will vary from child to child. Caring adults need to communicate to children that this feeling is not one to be ashamed of or something to hide. Instead, grief is a natural expression of love for the person who died.

As a caring adult, the challenge is clear: children do not choose between grieving and not grieving; adults, on the other hand, do have a choice- to help or not to help children cope with grief.

With love and understanding, adults can guide children through this vulnerable time and help make the experience a valuable part of a child’s personal growth and development.

Suggested Guidelines Concerning Children and Grief

Be a good observer. See how each child is behaving. Don’t rush in with explanations. Usually, it’s more helpful to ask exploring questions than to give quick answers.

When someone loved dies, don’t expect children’s reactions to be obvious and immediate. Be patient and be available.

Children are part of the family, too. And reassurance comes from the presence of loving people. Children feel secure in the care of gentle arms and tenderness.

When describing the death of someone loved to a child, use simple and direct language.

Be honest. Express your own feelings regarding the death. By doing so, children have a model for expressing their own feelings. It’s all right to cry, too.

Allow children to express a full range of feelings. Anger, guilt, despair and protest are natural reactions to the death of someone loved.

Listen to children, don’t just talk to them.

No one procedure or formula will fit all children, either at the time of death or during the months that follow. Be patient, flexible and adjust to individual needs.

Adults must recognize their own personal feelings about death. Until they consciously explore their own concerns, doubts, and fears about death, it will be difficult to support children when someone they love dies.

Talking about mass Shootings, bombings and other (Terrorist) atrocities

First, it’s important to remember that children can cope with what they know, but they can’t cope with a reality they are over-protected from. As a parent it is instinctive to want to protect our children from tragic news. But the reality is that many if not most of the children and teenagers in our lives (with the exception of the very youngest) have already heard about tragic events from their peers, social media, or television. They may be aware of some of the mass school shootings in America or the recent terrorist attacks in Manchester and London.  Many of them may also have seen photos of the killer and of the people killed. Some may have read the horrific details of these massacres.

The point is, we cannot protect children from the tragedy, but we can let them teach us how they feel about it. As the caring adults in their lives, we have the responsibility to be available to them when they are struggling to understand what happened or if they have fears that the same thing could happen in their schools. We also have the responsibility to be honest with them within the boundaries of what is developmentally appropriate for a given child.

Listen (and observe), then respond

Watch the children in your life a little more closely in the days and weeks after a tragedy. Notice if they are listening to news, reading news online or in print, sharing stories that other kids have told them at school, or asking questions about the massacres. If it’s on their mind, or if you think it might be, then it’s your turn to ask a couple open-ended questions. “What have you heard about the knife attack in London that happened last week?” “Are the kids at your school talking about the people who died?” You can also share your feelings: “I’ve been feeling sad about the children who were killed last week.”

Also watch for a change in behaviour. Children who are more irritable or aggressive than usual or who are complaining of physical ailments uncharacteristically may essentially be telling you that they have absorbed some of the nation’s horror and anxiety about what happened at these recent atrocities. When ignored, children and teenagers feel all alone in their grief. Respond to them with sensitivity and warmth. Use a caring tone of voice; maintain eye contact when talking with and learning from them. This commitment to actively listening tells children that their feelings will be respected.

Remember that often kids don’t want to have a long conversation about a tragedy. They don’t want to be “talked at.” But if they’re given the opportunity, many will tell you what’s on their mind, allowing you a glimpse into their reality. Respond based on what they tell you or show you through their behaviours. Use their words and level of understanding. Don’t over-explain. Keep it simple and honest and loving. Let them know you’re someone they can talk to about difficult subjects.

Some kids, especially younger ones, may truly not be concerned about the death because it seems like just another far-away story that doesn’t affect them. That’s why it’s important to listen and observe, then respond. Allow for a discussion but don’t insist on one if the child isn’t telling or showing you she’s sad, anxious or perplexed. Let the child lead.

Safety first

If a child is expressing, verbally or behaviourally, that she is afraid, reassure her that you and the other grown-ups in her life are doing everything you can to make sure that she is safe. Because it’s true, it’s OK to say, “This kind of thing almost never happens. It’s a one-in-a-million situation. You’re protected.”

Teens are ready to handle the more nuanced truth, which is that safety can’t be 100 percent guaranteed in anything we do in life. Model living each day with boldness, resilience, meaning, and purpose for the teens in your life.

In the home, if a child seems to be regressing to the behaviours of younger kids—such as wanting to sleep with mum and dad, bedwetting, thumb-sucking, etc., these are signs that this child simply needs some extra attention right now. Don’t punish them for the regressive behaviours. Indulge them for now. And spend extra time with him in the coming days and weeks. Be available when they get up, come home from school, after dinner, and on weekends as much as you can.

Be the grown-up

We as a nation have been traumatized by terrorist attacks like the Manchester bombing and atrocities like Dunblane.  In the USA people have been deeply impacted by shootings like the one at Sandy Hook Elementary. The multiple, violent deaths of precious young children and the adults who cared for them can result in intense feelings of shock, fear, anxiety and helplessness. Some of us confront these feelings by obsessively watching TV coverage of the event or talking about it with anyone and everyone.

While it’s normal and natural for us to try to integrate the reality of what happened in these ways, this kind of exposure may be too much for children. So limit your media viewing and conversation about the tragedy in front of your children. Younger kids, especially, don’t need to know and aren’t developmentally mature enough yet to handle all the details.

Be calm, reassuring, and positive. Be the caregiver. If you need to talk about your own thoughts and feelings about what happened, find another adult to talk to out of earshot of the kids. Never lie to children or hide the truth from them, but do limit their exposure.

Older kids, especially teens, may, like many adults, work through their thoughts and feelings by engaging with the national media and conversation about the shooting. Try watching the news together with these teens and talking about what you see. Be careful not to reverse roles. Don’t display your own grief so much that the child is forced to take care of you instead of the other way around. Seek outside support for yourself if you need it.

Search for meaning … together

As we all struggle to understand what can never be understood, we naturally turn to rituals and faith.  

Participating in activities that connect us as humans can also be meaningful at this time. Children of all ages can participate in activities like making cards to send to the surviving children or supporting children in need in your own community through volunteer efforts like food or toy drives.

If a child wants to talk about where the children who died “went,” be honest with her about your beliefs and ask her about hers. Encourage this conversation without feeling you need to know all the answers.

This article has been written with the assistance of online copyright free content from the author credited below. 

References 

Young Minds https://youngminds.org.uk/

With thanks to Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s article on Talking to Kids and Teens about Sandy Hook.  Dr. Wolfelt has written many bestselling books for and about grieving children and teens, including Healing Your Grieving Heart for Kids, Healing A Child’s Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Families, Friends, and Caregivers, and Healing Your Grieving Heart for Teens. Visit www.centerforloss.com to learn more about helping children in grief and to order Dr. Wolfelt’s books.

With thanks to The Good Funeral Guide for all images in this post