There’s a lovely moment that can happen when somebody says, “Do you remember when…?” You think you know the story. You’ve heard it at every family gathering for years. Then somebody at the other end of the table says, “Aye, but what you don’t know is…” and suddenly you’re hearing something new about someone you thought you knew inside out.
That’s one of the loveliest things about To Absent Friends, Scotland’s festival of storytelling and remembrance. From 1st to 7th November, anyone can take part by remembering someone who has died. As we approach Remembrance Sunday on 8th November, when we honour those who served and died in conflict, the festival also makes room for the people we miss in our everyday lives. Perhaps it’s the friend you still want to phone on the way home or the neighbour who always took in your parcels and kept you on the doorstep for a good twenty minutes.
The things our celebrants listen for
As a Humanist organisation, we believe that what we do in our lifetime matters, and that our influence on the people around us carries on after we die. Sometimes you can hear it for yourself. You come out with an expression your dad used, in exactly his tone of voice, and for a second you can almost hear him saying it too.
When one of our funeral celebrants sits down with a family, there’s a question worth leaving plenty of time for. “What was she like?” Dates and milestones tell us part of the story. But it might be the grandson who remembers his gran teaching him to play cards, then soundly beating him every Sunday, who gives everyone the clearest picture of her. We’re grateful to our Humanist Celebrants for the care they take over those conversations, and to the families who trust them with the details. A ceremony feels personal when the people listening can smile and think, “That was her.”
A way to join in this week
Last year we came together at Bishopbriggs Crematorium to remember our absent friends. The Fuze Foundation won’t be holding a service this year, but there are plenty of ways to join in, wherever you are.
The festival has a remembrance playlist where you can dedicate a song, an online space to leave a tribute and ideas for hosting an Absent Friends Supper. That last one could be as simple as inviting your sister round, making the mince and tatties you both grew up on and finally admitting that neither of you can get them quite like Mum’s. You’ll find the festival programme and more ideas on the To Absent Friends website.
You might prefer to do something quietly. Take the long way home past a familiar spot, or turn up the radio when their song comes on. And if someone else comes to mind this week, a wee message can mean a great deal. “I was thinking about David today. Do you remember the time he…?” You might have a memory of him that they’ve never heard.
If you’re finding things hard
Some weeks, even looking at a photograph feels like a lot. You can let this week pass, and you can ask for company or support whenever it feels right for you. If you’d like to speak to someone outside your own circle, Cruse Scotland’s free bereavement helpline is 0808 802 6161. A trained volunteer can listen and help you explore further support. If you’d rather read something in your own time, NHS inform has a guide to bereavement and grief. Cruse Scotland · NHS inform
From all of us at The Fuze Foundation, here’s to the people you find yourself talking about in the present tense, the ones whose jokes you’ve inherited, and the ones you miss more than you can put into words. To absent friends.
